Debts and bankruptcy in Tunisia?

Jillimom

Well-Known Member
#41
^^I think you are doing the right thing by putting distance between you and HIS mess. Get away from him and let him sort out his business. He is a grown man but it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. :eek:
 

Essem

Moderator
Staff member
#42
He's asking for £400 to give to his aunt as a downpayment on his debt of £2,000 to her. I've explained that he's not getting it from me.

I can bat the requests for money back to him no problem - I'm used to hearing "tu peut m'aider?". What is frustrating me is that his money issues colour everything he thinks and does. He can't even think about "us" or even me, while he has money issues on his mind. In his view, if I want him in a position where he can think about us, I have to help him out of his debt crisis first. Then he'll be happy and can think about love.

More importantly for this thread, he doesn't really see anything else as a solution apart from money. Money is the first and best solution to EVERYTHING as far as he's concerned. I've suggested he sell the house, which the last time we discussed it he intends to do. What he's stuck on is that he says he can't go back to his village without a downpayment for his aunt. And he can't sell the house until he goes back. Self-imposed Catch 22.

In my view if his aunt was wealthy enough to lend him £2,000 she's got the means to hang on for a couple of months to get her money back. Nobody lends money on a property venture if they need it back quickly! It's a long term investment, in the UK and presumably also over here.
There might not even be a house - convenient catch 22.

I'm so pleased that you have your wits about you LA and that you can see what's happening.

Happy to hear you have a lfight sorted out - best to cut your losses at the moment although he'll undoubtedly try to talk you around. Xx
 
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Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#43
If there is a house....have you asked him why it's only come to light now? Why he's only just told you about it?
 

lovesarrow

Well-Known Member
#44
If there is a house....have you asked him why it's only come to light now? Why he's only just told you about it?
Hi Jane, It has come to light now because the payments have come due. He borrowed the money a year ago for 12 months. I found out about it because we were rowing about him being distant and disengaged, and he eventually spilled his guts.

He didn't tell me sooner because as far a he was concerned it was for his family, not for us. He hadn't thought far enough ahead to consider that taking on a large debt would concern his soon-to-be wife. He thought he'd be able to pay it off easily once we went to France. (Because as you know, Europeans are just falling over their piles of money all the time :rolleyes:)

He realises now that he should have discussed it with me 12 months ago. The problem is that the damage has already been done. He owes several thousand pounds and will have to sell the house to pay back the people he has borrowed from.
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#45
Hi Jane, It has come to light now because the payments have come due. He borrowed the money a year ago for 12 months. I found out about it because we were rowing about him being distant and disengaged, and he eventually spilled his guts.

He didn't tell me sooner because as far a he was concerned it was for his family, not for us. He hadn't thought far enough ahead to consider that taking on a large debt would concern his soon-to-be wife. He thought he'd be able to pay it off easily once we went to France. (Because as you know, Europeans are just falling over their piles of money all the time :rolleyes:)

He realises now that he should have discussed it with me 12 months ago. The problem is that the damage has already been done. He owes several thousand pounds and will have to sell the house to pay back the people he has borrowed from.
I'm glad you've booked your flight and are distancing yourself from this......and him, right now...

Do you believe him? Hand on heart? Do you think there's a house being built? Are you prepared to continue having to almost treat him like a child because he's behaving like one....aren't you finding it emotionally draining?

I don't expect you to answer on here LA....just ask yourself the questions. We can all find answers that suit our needs or that 'explain/justify' an action...remember, they aren't like you and me..lol....they don't think about things the same way we do..they certainly don't rationalise as we do. They also generally lie a lot easier than we do.

Time and distance I think is needed here...xx
 

lovesarrow

Well-Known Member
#46
Jane, yes I believe him. I also agree with you that he often behaves like a child. It is exhausting.

It's for these reasons that I am heading home 6 1/2 weeks early. Because trying to deal with all of this while I am here would simply be impossible. It's 38C most days, exceptionally hot for September, and I don't handle intense heat and humidity well. It's hard to think with your head when sharing a living space with someone you love. All in all, there are many compelling reasons to get some distance.

Once I'm home I can think more clearly about whether I want to stay with him. In a space where I can ignore texts or close Skype if needed. And where we can leave the pressures of our shared day-to-day living behind. He can focus on dealing with his problems, and I can focus on my needs.
 

Essem

Moderator
Staff member
#47
I'm just wondering why he didn't discuss something so momumentally important with you as you've been together for 3 years.

Does he live in Sousse when you're not there? Will he stay on in the apartment or will he ask for a refund on the rent you've paid?

You must be so bitterly disappointed but I'm glad to hear that you're thinking about your needs as many women don't and seem to be content to put their dreams and hopes aside till these boys grow into men. By that time, it's generally too late as these men have gotten what they want and are ready to move on.
 

lovesarrow

Well-Known Member
#48
I'm just wondering why he didn't discuss something so momumentally important with you as you've been together for 3 years.

Does he live in Sousse when you're not there? Will he stay on in the apartment or will he ask for a refund on the rent you've paid?

You must be so bitterly disappointed but I'm glad to hear that you're thinking about your needs as many women don't and seem to be content to put their dreams and hopes aside till these boys grow into men. By that time, it's generally too late as these men have gotten what they want and are ready to move on.
Essem - I wondered the same. I think part of our problem is that he loves me, but he doesn't necessarily respect me. He's used to being the man in charge at home (Dad seems to be AWOL) and taking all the decisions for all the family. I think he doesn't know what a partnership is. This is a baptism of fire for him.

He lives in Sousse while he's working, but his contract is due to end in a week, and then he'll go back to Kairouan to sell the house.

Is he likely to get a refund on the flat?!? If there is a refund to be had it is my money. I paid the rent in full. I thought that money would be lost.

Yes, I am bitterly disappointed. I've been that woman who doesn't think of her needs, and I will NEVER be her again. This is a shitty situation, and I am dealing with it in the best new way I can. Heading to a hotel, curtailing a trip, this is new territory for me.
 

Aslemma

Well-Known Member
#49
I think you may have summed up the situation correctly LA, but you are quite correct in that you can't let it go on. For any relationship to work there must be communication and trust. He may indeed have been used to making decisions on his family affairs, for whatever reason, but when these decisions are likely to have an impact on his life with you as his future wife then they need to be discussed with you. I really do think that although you can talk though his options and give him advice, you need to insist he sorts things out for himself on this occasion. As you had no part in his decision to borrow this money he can't expect you to have any part in paying it back. If he manages to do this it will be a valuable lesson for him for the future and then, and only then, should you decide whether you want to continue your relationship. If you bail him out financially now, even partially, he will have learnt nothing and it will set a precedent for the future.
 

Donna Said

Well-Known Member
#50
Hi LA I think you have done the right thing by sorting your return flight hopefully this will give you some breathing space and time to get perspective.
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#51
Do you speak to any of the family LA? Maybe time to start asking questions...
 

janette

Well-Known Member
#52
There might not even be a house - convenient catch 22.

I'm so pleased that you have your wits about you LA and that you can see what's happening.

Happy to hear you have a lfight sorted out - best to cut your losses at the moment although he'll undoubtedly try to talk you around. Xx
Totally agree with your post Essem. It is refreshing to have a member who, despite her unhappiness and disappointment, can actually see the reality of the situation and make a sensible decision, instead of refusing to face the fact and/or making excuses. We have all seen this so many times and it is so depressing when we all know what the future scenario is likely to be.

Lovesarrow, I do hope that you will be able to sort things out once you are detached from all and everything in Tunisia and can move on to the happy future that you clearly deserve. All best wishes.
 

lovesarrow

Well-Known Member
#53
Do you speak to any of the family LA? Maybe time to start asking questions...
No I don't, unfortunately. His brothers are all younger than him (shall we call them man-foetuses?) and his mother speaks only Arabic.
 

anton

Member
#54
after reading through your messages and replies i find this all very difficult to take in, i have been a builder for the past 30 years and though i am living in the u.k and not tunisia i think that we all work to similar rules, if as he say's he owes money on a part built house and if he do'es not come up with the money the bailif's will be called in and he could go to prison, are their any receipts for building materials, bricks, cement, sand, tiles, etc, and who was building the house, where are the plans, where did he hire the equipment from for the JCB to dig out the footings and the cement mixer, and how the hell did he manage to hide it from you for so long, if he hides this from you, what else is he hiding, let's be honest about this, there is no house, he has reeled you in and now he is trying to extort money out of you, think with your head not your heart, if you need any help with questions relating to tripping him up and finding the truth, just message and i will do my best to help you out, just one more thing, what sort of a job is he hoping to find in france that pays him 2500 euros a month, "con man" get out love, while you can.
 

anton

Member
#55
just one more thing, who did he buy the land from and how much did he pay for it, is the water and electric connected, find out all of these things and if they are registered in his name, which they should be, get receipts, all of these things will help you find the truth.
 

Gotcha

Member
#56
My ex was building a house and said he was in debt with the builders, he was worried because the police would come and arrest him if he didn't pay. I gave him a couple of hundred to keep the wolves from the door.

He did show me documents to do with his ownership of the house but, when he went to the loo, I quickly photographed them. Later I got them translated and they were, in fact, a rental agreement for the apartment we were staying in, for which I had paid the 3 weeks rent - but he had been living there for over a year !!!! :LOL

He did take me to show me the house on a previous visit but, really, it could have been any half built house and his friend was conveniently there to tell me what a nice guy he was and that he really loved me blahblahblah.......

I loved him to bits but he was just a very convincing lying **** - be careful lovesarrow
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#57
Awful Gotcha, glad you were quick thinking!! What happened next? Did he try and wriggle out of it?
 

Gotcha

Member
#58
Awful Gotcha, glad you were quick thinking!! What happened next? Did he try and wriggle out of it?
Hi Trulymadlydeeply, I left him before I got the documents translated (did it later just out of curiosity) but I suspected most things he said although I gave him the benefit of doubt most of the time. In the end the suspicions just became too much so I left, but it nearly killed me emotionally. Much better now though, I just find it so difficult to believe the things they lie about and how they can use people and yet genuinely seem to care about you
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#59
Glad on both accounts!! They are extremely good at what they do :mad:
 

shona

Member
#60
Is there any chance???? It's being built so you can be married? Do Tunisian men not have to provide a home before marriage,
 
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