The next step? Tunisan man.

Hels

New Member
#1
I am a strong and independent 29 year old from the UK. After meeting a guy online from Sousse we have really fallen for each other. He has a similar outlook, values and we get on really really well. He is intelligiant, and very loving. He is refreshingly warm and gentle. I have my head screwed on and haven't promised him anything. He knows I have no plans to provide for him and we have discussed the love rat stereotype and how I feel women are naive to get themselves into that position. He would want to provide as much as me for our future. We have been chatting online for about 6 months as well as nightly Skype calls.
Having read over and over again on here of the scary love rat situation I am very guarded. I want to move it to the next step, however I am hesitant. Not for anything he has done, or led me to believe he is anything but honest and honourable. More what so many people on these forums say.
He is very liberal and by no means strongly religious. He is muslim though. His family are religious. For someone who is in no way religious can this work. Although I am very respectful. I'm looking way into the future but say it was to progress to a proper relationship, and I was to live in Tunisia, how would I be regarded?
He doesn't work in Tourism. He really does seem like a goodun. Some reassurance or not would be really. I want to visit him in Tunisia. He doesn't earn as much as me by any means. But he earns an ok living in Tunisia terms. Do you think it is the right decision for me to visit him alone in Tunisia? I would want to get myself a hotel or apartment for the week. Any advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated. x
 

Scottochott

Well-Known Member
#2
Well you sound like you've got your head screwed on and have done your research so good on you. Any new relationship contains an element of risk, this would perhaps involve more, in that you would be giving up your life to move abroad. A lot depends on your current situation, are you giving up a good job? Are you selling a property and investing in Tunisia? Is there a big age gap? I could go on, my point is everyone has their own story and no one can give definitive advice.

Anyone who knows me here will know I am always very sceptical of Tunisian guys seeking a foreign partner, this is because as a man I am privy to their perspective in a way women will never be. It is a male dominated society and no matter what they may say to you, I can guarantee they will look at women and relationships very differently to a western guy.

I think you must put yourself in his shoes and question his motives. I am not saying he is doing anything wrong, I just want you to be objective and try and assess things. If there is an age gap/ relative beauty gap/ financial gap, then I would be dubious. What do you have to gain? What do you have to lose? And what does he have to lose/gain?

Go on holiday by all means, but stay in a tourist area, and safeguard yourself. Take it slowly and analyse all that he says and does, bear in mind these guys are consummate actors and play the long game. Any requests for money or presents should be a warning. Protestations of undying love and signs of rushing things too. Having said that, there are the very few examples that work out, so good luck and have fun. By the way you don't have to share any info that you are uncomfortable posting on a public forum, all the best.
 

Hels

New Member
#3
Thanks for the reply. It's greatly appreciated. Refreshing to have the male perspective. We are the same age. We are both similar in the looks department. Neither of us ugly..hehe. He is very passionate and loving, which is unlike a western guy. He is spiritual and gentle though.I know no other Tunisians, so was putting this down to culture rather than him being deceiving. I also think that online can often be like that. He does have the habbit of rushing sometimes, which I promptly slow down and tell him realistically what I feel. There is an obvious financial gap, relative to the different countries. I have a decent job in the UK and earn a lot more than him. I'm not well off though and he knows this. He doesn't know how much I earn. I have no plans to give up my job and rush over. There is so much to think about and time to pass. I just feel I can't just let this one go, I do want to see how it progresses. I will absolutely take your advice on staying in tourist area etc etc. I'm very nervous but excited to see what happens. I will hopefully not be one of the people on here in a few years saying I've lost everything in the hands of a rat! x
 

Hels

New Member
#4
Thanks for the reply. It's greatly appreciated. Refreshing to have the male perspective. We are the same age. We are both similar in the looks department. Neither of us ugly..hehe. He is very passionate and loving, which is unlike a western guy. He is spiritual and gentle though.I know no other Tunisians, so was putting this down to culture rather than him being deceiving. I also think that online can often be like that. He does have the habbit of rushing sometimes, which I promptly slow down and tell him realistically what I feel. There is an obvious financial gap, relative to the different countries. I have a decent job in the UK and earn a lot more than him. I'm not well off though and he knows this. He doesn't know how much I earn. I have no plans to give up my job and rush over. There is so much to think about and time to pass. I just feel I can't just let this one go, I do want to see how it progresses. I will absolutely take your advice on staying in tourist area etc etc. I'm very nervous but excited to see what happens. I will hopefully not be one of the people on here in a few years saying I've lost everything in the hands of a rat! x
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#5
Welcome hels. What job does he do? I think education plays a big part in the way these guys are shaped. What website did you meet him on? Does he live in a tourist area? Sorry for all the questions it just helps to build the bigger picture...
 

Mezoo

VIP Member
#6
do not marry in Tunisia. if it is the right thing it will survive the work it takes to get him into uk on a fiancé visa.
 

kassie

Well-Known Member
#7
Hmmmmm....well.....you say " He really does seem like a goodun" I don't doubt what you say or think....however....I said/ thought exactly the same thing! My husband was not in animation ( no disrespect) and I thought...yes he's great! To cut a long story short...was married in 2008....now in middle of divorce proceedings! I will not go into the why and wherefore here....just to say.....they can be extremely "good actors"....hard to believe when you may be in love! Take your time and particularly ...please take on board what people say here! :sorry: xxxx
 

Hels

New Member
#8
Thanks everyone. He is a manager of a shop, and studies also, doing a degree in a good field. I'm well travelled and really trying so hard not be to naive. He is well educated from the conversations we have. His dad is a french teacher at a good school. but you really do never know! So completely will be tip toeing with this one i think is the answer. What do you all think about the religion thing? Met through MSN. He lives in residential area, i think not tourist area. Marriage is definitely not on the cards at all yet.
 

gem15

Well-Known Member
#9
Not all are bad and not all are good. It helps your of similar age and he's nothing to do with tourism but that still doesn't mean a whole lot. Just keep your wits about you and take things slow.

I've been with my husband 6 yrs to the day and married 4 yrs yesterday so there is hope out there.
 

Hels

New Member
#10
Not all are bad and not all are good. It helps your of similar age and he's nothing to do with tourism but that still doesn't mean a whole lot. Just keep your wits about you and take things slow.

I've been with my husband 6 yrs to the day and married 4 yrs yesterday so there is hope out there.
Thanks for your advice. Do you find the religion difficult to deal with or are you also religious? He doesn't pray every day, but he still believes.
 

gem15

Well-Known Member
#11
Thanks for your advice. Do you find the religion difficult to deal with or are you also religious? He doesn't pray every day, but he still believes.
Religion has never been a problem. He's a Muslim but doesn't pray and still enjoys a drink. From the very start of our relationship he said he will pray one day in the future and that's something I accept. He was very honest and I have no problem with it at all. We also have a 2 y/o daughter and although when in Tunisia she's a Muslim we both decided she will choose her own path in life when she's older. Nothing will be forced onto her.
 

Mrs H

Active Member
#12
I met my husband online too over 5 years ago now. I had the same reservations as you and the first time I went to Tunisia 2 of my friends came with me just to be on the safe side. As you said talking online is not the same as face to face but you will never know if there is really something between you until you meet. As for the religious side of things, my hubby is similar to gems. He doesn't pray 5 times a day at the moment but will definitely do it one day when he's older and ready to commit to it for the rest of his life. I'm not telling you that things will be wonderful and there will be no problems cos it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life marrying a Tunisian. Cultures are so different and although my husband has a degree his home life was very much 50 years back in time from my life here in the uk. He's adapted to life in the uk but I don't think he will ever be completely comfortable with the way things are here.
All I can suggest you do is go for a visit and don't let him rush you into anything.
 

Hels

New Member
#13
I met my husband online too over 5 years ago now. I had the same reservations as you and the first time I went to Tunisia 2 of my friends came with me just to be on the safe side. As you said talking online is not the same as face to face but you will never know if there is really something between you until you meet. As for the religious side of things, my hubby is similar to gems. He doesn't pray 5 times a day at the moment but will definitely do it one day when he's older and ready to commit to it for the rest of his life. I'm not telling you that things will be wonderful and there will be no problems cos it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life marrying a Tunisian. Cultures are so different and although my husband has a degree his home life was very much 50 years back in time from my life here in the uk. He's adapted to life in the uk but I don't think he will ever be completely comfortable with the way things are here.
All I can suggest you do is go for a visit and don't let him rush you into anything.
Thanks Nicky. Really appreciate your comments.
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#14
To each his own and I know most do it but I find it so hypocritical that they do as they like their whole lives then turn to religion in the hope of getting their 69 virgins when they die..!!!

For the wives that they say they will turn to this are you completely willing to accept the change in your husbands. No doubt they will want to impose their new lifestyle on you too.
 

Essem

Moderator
Staff member
#15
To each his own and I know most do it but I find it so hypocritical that they do as they like their whole lives then turn to religion in the hope of getting their 69 virgins when they die..!!!

For the wives that they say they will turn to this are you completely willing to accept the change in your husbands. No doubt they will want to impose their new lifestyle on you too.
I've seen in here a very sad couple of times when the hb turns to his religion and their whole lifestyle changes - no more alcohol, or going for drinks with friends and general socialising becomes very limited or a complete no-no.
 

Mrs H

Active Member
#16
To each his own and I know most do it but I find it so hypocritical that they do as they like their whole lives then turn to religion in the hope of getting their 69 virgins when they die..!!!

For the wives that they say they will turn to this are you completely willing to accept the change in your husbands. No doubt they will want to impose their new lifestyle on you too.
My hubby is religious but just doesn't pray 5 times a day. He doesn't drink but he doesn't or rather can't stop me from socialising with my friends. He moans about it but I think he only does that cos he thinks that is what he is expected to do. The only reason he doesn't pray 5 times a day is because he knows once he starts he will have to continue with it for the rest of his life. Living and working in the uk doesn't make it as easy as it is in Tunisia. We had a business and he couldn't just close up and go pray.

He has tried to get me to convert but then again I think it's only what he thinks he is expected to do. He knows he has no chance.
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#17
My husband has never even once attempted to get me to convert....he knows better...lol...also whilst he's a Muslim by birth and it's in his DNA if you like, he doesn't practise and never really has. So his faith has never affected our relationship, I mean even when he lived in Tunisia he didn't do Ramadan so he's no chance of doing it here!!

We did joke about the whole as he gets older, suddenly discovering his faith and changing his whole way of life.....I've replied that that day would be the day I asked for a divorce....lol....I married my husband, not his so called religion, and same for him! However I'm not so naive to think that day may never come, if it does it would very much depend on how it impacted on our life together and whether I could live with that.
 

gem15

Well-Known Member
#18
It was something that was discussed before we married and it's something I accepted.

He knows I won't change my lifestyle so it's not a major problem or me. He also knows he cannot and would never convert me. He's never mentioned it either.
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#19
Thing is however much it is discussed, life WILL change if you don't want to go with the change, ie convert or change your lifestyle problems within the marriage will be inevitable surely. Not aiming at anyone personally just speaking in general.
 

gem15

Well-Known Member
#20
Nowt will change about my lifestyle, believe me i would make sure of it. We can still go out for meals no one is forcing him to drink and he can still be around alcohol I already asked a very religious friend LOL. I certainly wouldn't wake up at stupid o'clock when he does and Ham will still be in my fridge. I have to be honest I doubt he has the will power to do it for a week let alone a life style.
 
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