Domestic Violence

Jasmine

Well-Known Member
#1
It all too common, that any kind of domestic violence appears, some find the courage to talk about it, some hide it and others do not believe its happening to them.

There is a programme online called "The Freedom Programme" - I'll include links at the bottom of this post. But I thought it would be valuable to some members to have a look, if the information is there they then have the choice to seek help, whether it be on or off this forum.

Living with the Dominator (as taken from the Freedom Programme)
He is one man but I describe him as changing into the other characters to use different kinds of controlling behaviour. He can change from one character to another with lightning speed. Often, when I show him to women on the programme they say, “You must have met my husband!” I joke that I believe that all abusive men are abducted when they are six months old and taken to a school in the mountains where they all learn to do and say exactly the same thing! One of the first people I trained to run the Freedom Programme was a specialist Domestic Violence Police Officer. When she started her programme her group was comprised of women whose abusers had been arrested and charged by her. She had also accompanied the women to court and knew their histories. One of the women looked at her picture of the Dominator and then compared it to everyone else’s Dominator. She said that it was so like her partner that she initially believed each one had been done for an individual man from their police records and case histories.

The Bully He uses intimidation to control his partner by: shouting, glaring, sulking, driving too fast and firing questions at her without giving her a chance to answer. As a result, she believes he is angry and tries to placate him. The men on my Programme have told me that the Bully is not angry. He is cool, calm and collected and completely in control of his emotions. What does he have to be angry about?

The Headworker: He uses emotional abuse to control his partner by telling her she is stupid, ugly, and incompetent. He is unfaithful and he puts her down in front of others, usually using humour. As a result she loses all self-confidence.

The Jailer: He isolates his partner by sulking when her friends visit. He refuses to look after the children when she has arranged to go out or go to work. He charms friends and family so they do not believe her. He moves her to remote places. As a result women are completely isolated.

The Liar: He makes the abuse seem less than it was by using the ‘only’ word. For example, it was ‘only a slap’. When the ‘only’ word is used the listener does not really hear the rest of the sentence. He also denies there was any abuse or he blames the victim. Many men come to the programme asking me to help them to deal with this horrible woman who forces them to be violent. The Liar also uses a bewildering array of excuses. He blames drink, drugs, overwork and unemployment. He blames loss of temper, low self-esteem and insecurity. As a result his victim and many other professionals believe him.

The Badfather: He uses the children to control his partner. He turns them against their mother. If she leaves him he uses the courts to harass her for access. He denies paternity and tells her she is a bad mother. As a result women can have their children removed. He can seriously damage their ability to parent effectively.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf
 

Pink

Member
#2
Hi Jasmine, my husband seems to fit all of these headings. I have told him to leave on many occasions but he says he will not go anywhere without his daughter and threatens to either kill me or take her away forever. I am really struggling to find what I can do and feel completely trapped in my marriage. I want to leave but am scared that he will take our daughter away and if I run away with her I am scared that he will find me and either take her away or kill me... he laughs when telling me he has a friend who killed his wife and says that in Islam if a wife does anything wrong she deserves to die. Can I get his ILR taken away from him? I know he will try to come back by boat and I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life but I can't think of any other way.... I also really don't want to take his daughter away from him but I feel like I have no choice. Any advice is welcome.
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#3
OMG pink what an awful situation. Most are hot headed threats as they cannot believe you do not want them anymore. You must go to the authorities immediately and explain these threats and have it all recorded. How old is your daughter?
 

Jasmine

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi Jasmine, my husband seems to fit all of these headings. I have told him to leave on many occasions but he says he will not go anywhere without his daughter and threatens to either kill me or take her away forever. I am really struggling to find what I can do and feel completely trapped in my marriage. I want to leave but am scared that he will take our daughter away and if I run away with her I am scared that he will find me and either take her away or kill me... he laughs when telling me he has a friend who killed his wife and says that in Islam if a wife does anything wrong she deserves to die. Can I get his ILR taken away from him? I know he will try to come back by boat and I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life but I can't think of any other way.... I also really don't want to take his daughter away from him but I feel like I have no choice. Any advice is welcome.

How is he threatening you? If its in text form take it ASAP to the police. Protect your daughter. Is she of school age? Has she got a Tunisian passport? Inform whatever childcare facility you have at present for your daughter that he is under no circumstances permitted to take your child out of school / day care. Log these threats with your GP, and a family member or friend you can trust.

If your child has a passport, regardless of which country it is, remove it from your house to someone you trust.

I'm not sure the Home Office can curtail his visa or ILR. That is something you will have to take up with them. You need to go to report this to the police, they can possibly get an injunction in place (non-molestation order also) which will be taken out to protect both you AND your child.

Most abusers are well aware that the victim will not / does not give him consequences for his behaviour, so to him, controlling you using fear seems to be working to his advantage as you have not responded by reporting him, or removing him from the house.

Please do not feel you need to write your life on an open forum, many members here including moderators would be more than happy to discuss things via pm.
 

Pink

Member
#5
I don't really know who to go to and am scared that he will find out. Child Services were informed by my daughters nursery but I was so worried that he would find out that I hid everything and just told them it has never happened before and will never happen again. He never threatens by text only face to face or on a phone call, I think he is too clever for that. It's like when he hits/kicks/pushes me I only ever have bruises in places that no one would see. Thank you for your replies, I would pm but not really sure who to talk to. I am actually worried about writing on here in case he sees, I think I am over paranoid now!
 

Selmi

Active Member
#6
I don't really know who to go to and am scared that he will find out. Child Services were informed by my daughters nursery but I was so worried that he would find out that I hid everything and just told them it has never happened before and will never happen again. He never threatens by text only face to face or on a phone call, I think he is too clever for that. It's like when he hits/kicks/pushes me I only ever have bruises in places that no one would see. Thank you for your replies, I would pm but not really sure who to talk to. I am actually worried about writing on here in case he sees, I think I am over paranoid now!
Hi Pink. Your daughters nursery have an obligation to inform the local authority of any causes for concern, I am a childcare provider and I would contact MARAT ( multi advisory referral team ) but please do not worry everything is confidential they are there to help and work with you and you daughter, and if nessasary find you a secure and safe enviroment, their number will be listed under childcare services. Please make that call asap x
 

June

Active Member
#7
I don't really know who to go to and am scared that he will find out. Child Services were informed by my daughters nursery but I was so worried that he would find out that I hid everything and just told them it has never happened before and will never happen again. He never threatens by text only face to face or on a phone call, I think he is too clever for that. It's like when he hits/kicks/pushes me I only ever have bruises in places that no one would see. Thank you for your replies, I would pm but not really sure who to talk to. I am actually worried about writing on here in case he sees, I think I am over paranoid now!
Hi pink
Try listen to selmi and find the strength to make that call! Don't let you daughter grow up in that environment , I know it's easy for us to say but try my lovely try and confide in your family! Do u have anyone to speak to? Take care x
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#8
You need a prohibited steps order so that if he were caught with your daughter here trying to take her from you he will be arrested. If he managed to get to Tunisia with her it's not worth the paper it's written on.
 

scotty_bambam

Well-Known Member
#9
Hi Jasmine, my husband seems to fit all of these headings. I have told him to leave on many occasions but he says he will not go anywhere without his daughter and threatens to either kill me or take her away forever. I am really struggling to find what I can do and feel completely trapped in my marriage. I want to leave but am scared that he will take our daughter away and if I run away with her I am scared that he will find me and either take her away or kill me... he laughs when telling me he has a friend who killed his wife and says that in Islam if a wife does anything wrong she deserves to die. Can I get his ILR taken away from him? I know he will try to come back by boat and I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life but I can't think of any other way.... I also really don't want to take his daughter away from him but I feel like I have no choice. Any advice is welcome.
You poor thing.what a night mare situation. Makes mine seem trivial.I pray you get pointed in the right direction for what's best for you and your child.there used to be mother and child refuges you could go to.would moving be a realistic consideration? Big hugs.x
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#10
You need to start writing a diary, every single threat, every bit of abuse. You need to get legal advise as to what you can do to protect both yourself and your child. Somehow you've got to summon up the strength to put in place a plan of action otherwise this is going to end in heartbreak.

There are steps that can be taken by the police...he has his ILR, you don't have to support him for his citizenship though...

But you need to act...
 

ROULLA

Registered User
#11
Hi Jasmine, my husband seems to fit all of these headings. I have told him to leave on many occasions but he says he will not go anywhere without his daughter and threatens to either kill me or take her away forever. I am really struggling to find what I can do and feel completely trapped in my marriage. I want to leave but am scared that he will take our daughter away and if I run away with her I am scared that he will find me and either take her away or kill me... he laughs when telling me he has a friend who killed his wife and says that in Islam if a wife does anything wrong she deserves to die. Can I get his ILR taken away from him? I know he will try to come back by boat and I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life but I can't think of any other way.... I also really don't want to take his daughter away from him but I feel like I have no choice. Any advice is welcome.
Hi Pink, I have just seen this post and I am really sorry that you are going through this.
Pink, there is so much help out there for women who are being abused.
Have you tried Women's shelter? If you call them and explain your situation I promise you that he will not find you. Firstly when you call them they will arrange to meet you and then they will take you to a secret location. Only women are allowed in the shelter. My daughter used to work with them and she said that the sheltered accommodation is very secure, please don't live your life in fear. It's not fair on you or your daughter.
If you ever need any help and pluck the courage to turn your life in the right direction then we are all here to support you.
Take a look at this site, there's so much information and help. Remember that you won't be the first to ask for help and nor will you be the last. Please pick up the phone and start dialling for help.
http://m.england.shelter.org.uk/get...ency_accommodation_if_homeless/womens_refuges

Take care and remember we are all here X X
 
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