PLEASE clarify ) :

khalid hassim

New Member
#1
okay where do i even start, i got married to a Tunisian girl about 6 months ago and up till about a month ago things started turning sour,she wasn't who i skyped lets put it that way , so she has gone back to her family, she has asked me for a divorce and i have given her the relevant talaks, now the problem comes in she claims she is pregnant and now all of a sudden she doesn't want a divorce because she wants me to supposedly suffer........she has provided me with no proof at all of the child and so im obviously weary. i am from botswana in southern africa and i have got the divorce papers done here and well basically am officially divorced here.......i have provided her with all the documents from my side to get the divorce done her side but as it stands she refuses to divorce me now telling me she wants everything ive got..........what claims has she got over me and what can i do to get this all finalised and am i divorced and if not how can i get divorced properly there without going there as ive already got death threats and so on saying if i put foot in tunisia........ya........what do i do please help because im in a real state of depression and i need to move on now.....
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi Khalid, welcome to the forum...sorry it's under such circumstances...

Firstly are you living in South Africa? Did you wife ever leave Tunisia to live with you? You say you only married 6 months ago but are now divorced...do you have a Decree Absolute? I'm presuming you married in Tunisia?

If you do have a Decree Absolute then it's only in the eyes of Tunisian law that you are still married...if you're not planning on going back to Tunisia then I can't see that mattering really...she'd need it though if she was ever to remarry in Tunisia...

Best thing to do is to contact the Municipality where you married in Tunisia advising them that you wish to notify them of your divorce for their records...they'll tell you what you need to do...

As far as the pregnancy and her 'taking you for everything'..make sure you keep a log of all the contact that you have and the content of it for future reference...meanwhile if I was you i wouldn't set foot in Tunisia...sounds like you married a piece of work unfortunately...sorry...
 

khalid hassim

New Member
#3
Hi Khalid, welcome to the forum...sorry it's under such circumstances...

Firstly are you living in South Africa? Did you wife ever leave Tunisia to live with you? You say you only married 6 months ago but are now divorced...do you have a Decree Absolute? I'm presuming you married in Tunisia?

If you do have a Decree Absolute then it's only in the eyes of Tunisian law that you are still married...if you're not planning on going back to Tunisia then I can't see that mattering really...she'd need it though if she was ever to remarry in Tunisia...

Best thing to do is to contact the Municipality where you married in Tunisia advising them that you wish to notify them of your divorce for their records...they'll tell you what you need to do...

As far as the pregnancy and her 'taking you for everything'..make sure you keep a log of all the contact that you have and the content of it for future reference...meanwhile if I was you i wouldn't set foot in Tunisia...sounds like you married a piece of work unfortunately...sorry...

hi jane,

thanks for the response, i dont live in south africa but in botswana rather, and yes she did come down here to botswana, what is a decree absolute....basically i had gone to our muslim councel here and got a letter stating that i have divorced her, i am not married in court of law here because we also have customary laws which islam falls under. im not in any way planning on even flying over tunisia if i can help it let alone going there for any in particular reason. i have all messages and emails sent by her for future reference concerning this supposed pregnancy, and believe it or not while all this is happening shes having a cyber affair publicly on facebook and so on with my cousin who lives in ireland????? who does that??? while im at it let me fill you in on everything anyways and you give me your point of view on the whole thing. right..........SO 6 months ago i had met her on muslima.com we had talked on skype for a while and both decided okay this is it, my folks were happy and well it seemed like hers were too.....so my folks and i jumped the plane and went to sousse. got there and married but not without any hitches we paid the moulana and so on and so forth so how valid our marriage is i dont even know.then i organised her a spousal visa to come to south africa where i was working at the time, thats when we decided to move back to botswana where the family business was so we could settle........4 months down the line she wasnt coming on normaly and well we went for tests and she was diagnosed with early menopause, so no children....that wasnt even the worst part. a few weeks later her dad called and told us that before we got married she had gone for blood tests and that they had come back 3 months later confirming she has cancer, hodgkins lymphoma. so we went to south africa and it was confirmed that she did have it, funny enough all the doctors were baffeled as to how they had found the cancer in a blood test which is virtually impossible, anyways after they had confirmed it we decided to start chemo a.s.a.p, and according to the oncologist we were refered to she had had this cancer for over a year due to the staging and severity of it. although with the right treatment totally curable....then she was indecisive stay with me and do the treatment or go home, she had decided to go home to her family who were in no condition to pay for the treatment at all, so id say all of my life savings went into paying for her treatment in tunisia which obviously i did with a good heard, i might not have loved her as i should have because the relationship was fairly new but it was my duty as her husband +-usd40000.00 as quoted by them. and now we back to present day where as the days had gone on our relationship deteriarated and now shes stopped the chemo because the doctor says shes pregnant, and i had spoken to my gp here who had said any doctor in their right mind even if she was pregnant would advise termination because of the dangers associated with chemo and pregnancy...................SO............with all the cussing, and rudeness, and rude behaviour and innapropriateness here i am today........alone and feeling so flippen taken...although i still dont want to think that theres people out there in the world like that. thats my story.
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#4
Oh Khalid....shocking story....unfortunately not unknown though!!!

I know a little of Hodgkins Lymphoma, my ex husband had it and yes it's completely curable with treatment. How far along in her pregnancy is she supposed to be? And how long have you been apart? Would the dates add up? And WHY would she have turned so vicious to you? Bearing in mind all that you've done to help her with her treatment.....having known her for a short space of time...

When you married in Tunisia, did you get a marriage certificate? That'll show if the wedding was 'legal' or not..I'm no expert on divorce proceedings in Botswana, only the UK, or the legality of your marriage, but I'd say the first step was to get your marriage certificate or a copy....

As for taking you for all she can!!! How's she gonna do that if you're in Botswana and she's in Tunisia?

Don't know how settlement visas work in Botswana, if like the UK then you'd have been her sponsor, so I'd contact your Home Office/Border Agency and let them know that you've withdrawn your sponsorship and are separated...

You're right as far as chemo goes, if she's already undergone chemotherapy and was pregnant they would have suggested a termination, although I find it totally implausible that that wasn't a test that would have been routinely carried out BEFORE they started treatment...

Personally I don't think it all stacks up...I don't think you're getting the full story from her..she's already took you for a ride financially, I'd just concentrate on myself if I was you and put her well and truly in the past...
 

missmetal

Well-Known Member
#5
Did the GP's in RSA do any tests? Do they have any of her blood left or Urine to verify that now? I agree with Jane, Im sure they would have tested for that before doing Chemo. Unless they took her word on being pre-menopausal and could not have kids?

I think they have seen how easily you gave money to help and now they want to milk you more. The marriage contract in Tunisia states if you are getting married with 'Joint' assets or 'in separation'....kinda like pre-nup or no pre-nup. Now I am pretty sure she has no way of suing you for your assets because they cant afford it. And Im sure that your lawyers over there would be able to protect you, especially since you have given so much more to her even in the short 6months of marriage.

You should have had a copy of your marriage cert for the spousal visa, do you have a copy somewhere? What did you use to qualify her as a spouse? If its only your islamic document then I have a feeling you did not actually get marriage legally in tunisia either. You would have had to sign the marriage contract when doing this. (like a pre-nup stating joint assets or separation).

As for death threats, why? She wants the divorce, so why are you getting threats? What did you do? Or is it that she's told them all these lies? Have you confronted your cousin? If he's sent you the evidence of the affair then Im almost certain she's not able to gain anything from you. I would not be afraid of going to Tunisia to get any documents you need, but dont tell them that you're going to do it. Avoid the trouble, let the police know if you do go, and let them know about the threats.
 

ROULLA

Registered User
#6
Hi Khalid and welcome to the forum!

What I don't really get is that you said that you did not love her like you should have done but you felt it your duty to pay for her treatment, surely people only get married if they have a choice and I am sure that you did so why did you get married in the first place if you did not feel that you loved her like you should have done.

Secondly if you went to Tunisia to get married to her then did you not have blood tests before you got married as I am sure that you would have known about her illness before you entered the marriage.

I am not having a go at you in any way I am just trying to get your story.
As far as you are concerned you are divorced so just leave it at that if that is what you want and as for your ex getting anything from you then she has not got a leg to stand on unless she comes to Botswana and only you know what the laws are there reguarding this.

If your ex is pregnant and does decides to come to Botswana and even though you are divorced from her is it possible that if this is you child does she have the right to anything ?

I would have thought that even though you are divorced in Botswana and your ex is carrying your child then surely she is entitled to something or am I wrong and besides if it is your child then it is your responsibility to support her even if she is your ex because it is not the unborn childs fault in any way.

Couples that do not think that they are able to have children together should take precautions because it is the child that suffers in the end and that is not fair at all in my eyes.

Like I said I am not having a go at you but am just saying it like it is in my mind and besides everyone has an opinion at the end of the day, would you not agree ?
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks for reminding me of that Roulla...I thought about that earlier...surely if she'd been 'ill' prior to the wedding it would have shown up when they had their bloods done? Don't think Khaled is sure though if the wedding was even a legal one in Tunisia though so if it wasn't then they may not have had their bloods done.
 

ROULLA

Registered User
#8
Thanks for reminding me of that Roulla...I thought about that earlier...surely if she'd been 'ill' prior to the wedding it would have shown up when they had their bloods done? Don't think Khaled is sure though if the wedding was even a legal one in Tunisia though so if it wasn't then they may not have had their bloods done.
Jane maybe a family member chanted a few things and then told them that they were now husband and wife, then pocketed the money...But they would not do that in Tunisia would they ?;)
 

khalid hassim

New Member
#9
:(........i dont even know where to start because this is just what it is here at home with family and the community, i find myself backed up against a wall defending myself all of a sudden because no one actually gets what ive gone through with this woman. all they see is the sweet girl they met, her gettting cancer, her going home and all of a sudden me wanting a divorce....so on the surface i look like such an ass.............i got married with the intention to love, i was going to for once instead of falling head over heels for someone as i always do, learn to love this person in due course. we had blood tests done in tunisia, the both of us. nothing showed up. tests for pregnancy before the chemo were done, nothing. as for weather or not shes pregnant, thats what she says, and i have told her that if and when the baby is born i will do my utmost best to provide for that child as i am willing to. the answers i keep getting are F*ck you i dont need anything from you......litterally. then i get you will pay, then its you wont see this child, then its you can see it but you wont touch it ever then its im happy for my new life with my new partner and father of my child and it goes on and on and on and on..............im emotionally exhausted. i have a marriage certificate stamped from tunisia. im sorry i just dont know what else to say as like i said im still a bit in shock at all of this. and im over her thats for sure its the lingering thought that i might have a child ) ; and i might never know him/her. i feel as if ive done somthing so wrong, although deep down i know ive done all i can, my intentions were pure. to answer the question of her being horrible it came about when ever we talked she would tell me i dont love her as much as i should but i tried to explain to her that it was because the way she felt about me was different, me being her first love, and first lover. there was obviously a communication break down which was common because she spoke arabic and french and was learning english but i spoke moderate french. we struggled to communicate is what im getting down to. i would tell her i cant see whats going to happen in the next 10 11 months they had sheduled the chemo for and she used to get upset saying i dont want her back and so on. and it just got worse to the point where i didnt know what to say anymore it would be { hi hope you well} kinda stuff, only because i wasnt as emotionally attached as i would have liked. :( listen to me rambling on here, its not even about the divorce anymore, so i appologise, its just i havnt been able to really vent.
 

Essem

Moderator
Staff member
#10
Hi Khalid and welcome.

The learning to love bit bothered me - much like arranged/forced marriages - IMO learning to love is a bit like put up and shut up, you've made your bed etc etc.

Maybe you were listening to your head and not your heart 'cos you say you weren't as emotionally attached as you'd have liked - is this what learning to love is all about?

If she is pregnant, then the surely onus is on her to prove that it's your child. It could be her new partner's child?

You mention communication breakdown - how do couples ever get to the stage of marriage if they can't communicate:eek: Is it all based on the physical side of things?
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#11
Feel free to vent Khalid....don't worry about it...sounds like you've gone 10 rounds in a boxing ring emotionally....be sure though that noone here is going to attack you.

So, you have a marriage certificate stamped then..that sounds like it was legal then. However, I don't understand if they found she had Hodgkins from a simple blood test why nothing showed up when you had your pre wedding bloods done? As far as the pregnancy goes, course you can still get pregnant when you're peri menopausal...as I said before, do the dates add up? Or is there any possibility that this child (if there is one) could be someone else's? Sorry....

Many people marry without having that mad rush of love to start with, and grow to love each other, so I'd certainly never condemn you for that....we are all different, have different cultures, beliefs and expectations.

I don't get what she wants from you now though? Does she want a divorce? If she does then she can easily get one in Tunisia... Does she want to come back to Botswana? Do you think she is trying to pull the wool over your eyes? As I said before, lots of things just don't add up!! For example, stopping chemo because of a pregnancy...if she's already had chemo whilst pregnant then they'd be suggesting a termination, because the two just don't go together!!! They wouldn't have embarked on chemo if there was the slightest chance that she could have been pregnant. Also, I remember when my husband had Hodgkins TWICE, (it came back after 3 years), and the treatment here in the UK was Radiotherapy for it not Chemotherapy.... You say the pregnancy test before chemo started was negative...these tests are 99.9% accurate!!! . None of it adds up to me Khalid...

People from the outside will always make judgements when they don't really have to walk in your shoes...try and separate the emotional side and the practical side, as difficult as that is....
 

Trulymadlydeeply

Well-Known Member
#12
Hi khalid and welcome to the forum. We often neglect the fact that situations like this happen to men too!! Sorry you are in this situation it seems through no fault of your own. I would 99% say from what you have posted that she is NOT pregnant. Seems she is just out for what he can get. You said she was tested here for the cancer and it was positive, and that she knew she had it before she left tunisia, am i right? Could it be that her family have "sold" her to the highest bidder?!
 

elaine2

Active Member
#13
wow stong words but prob true
 

ROULLA

Registered User
#14
Hi khalid and welcome to the forum. We often neglect the fact that situations like this happen to men too!! Sorry you are in this situation it seems through no fault of your own. I would 99% say from what you have posted that she is NOT pregnant. Seems she is just out for what he can get. You said she was tested here for the cancer and it was positive, and that she knew she had it before she left tunisia, am i right? Could it be that her family have "sold" her to the highest bidder?!
Or maybe she was not a virgin in the first place and you know how it is in Tunisia so maybe the parents wanted her to get married to the first person who came along and asked for her hand in marriage as she may have bought shame to the family.
Maybe her family knew that she was pregnant in the first place and thought that they would hand her over to save the family from being talked about.
If she is pregnant like she says then tell her that you want blood tests when the baby is born and if she refuses then tell her to get lost because at the end of the day you know that you tried full stop.
If I was you and she kept on hassling me I would just change my phone number if I felt that she was not communicating with me the way that I wanted.
 

Jane BM

Well-Known Member
#15
It kind of all depends how long they've been married, how long they were actually together, how pregnant she is (if at all), how long she's been receiving treatment both in Botswana and Tunisia....and WHAT CAME FIRST?
 
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